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I HAD BEEN REHEARSING THE ELVIS ACT ALL WEEK MAKING SURE I COULD NAIL THE LYRICS (NOT THAT MACEDONIANS COULD TELL) AND I WAS EVEN GOING TO PLAY THE GUITAR BEHIND MY BACK. I PLANNED ON DOING DON’T BE CRUEL AND HOUND DOG IF NEEDED AS AN ENCORE.
THE LIVE SHOW STARTED AT 5:30. DANIEL HAD GONE EARLY TO THE HOTEL DRIM TO HANG OUT WITH MR. BIG. HE CALLED NIKOLCE AT 3:00 TO SAY KIRE WANTED ME ON SET AT 4:30 FOR A SOUND CHECK. IT WAS NEARING 4:00 WHEN I REMINDED NIKOLCE. "WE HAVE A LOT OF TIME," HE SAID. I REPLIED, "YES, BUT WE HAVE TO PICK UP THE GUITAR FIRST." I HAD MADE ARRANGEMENTS WITH GUITAR KIRE’S COUSIN TO RENT HIS ACOUSTIC ELECTRIC GUITAR FOR $10--EVEN AFTER I HAD GIVEN HIM TWO SETS OF STRINGS THE PREVIOUS YEAR. "I MUST PREPARE THE BEDS," SAID NIKOLCE. I HELPED HIM MOVE A HEAVY COUCH FROM THE KITCHEN TO AN UPSTAIRS ROOM. WE POSITIONED IT AND FOLDED IT DOWN INTO A BED. "OK, CAN WE GO NOW?" I ASKED. "NO, WE MUST MOVE THE RUGS AND DRINK THE COFFEE." "WE WON'T HAVE TIME FOR COFFEE," I SAID. "IT IS 4:15 AND WE MUST GO." DANIEL CALLED AGAIN AND SAID THAT THE ABSOLUTE LATEST I COULD BE THERE FOR SOUND CHECK WAS 4:50. MEANWHILE IGOR, A HOTEL GUEST, WAS MAKING COFFEE FOR US. I HAD TO EXPLAIN TO IGOR THAT IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT THAT I BE ON TIME AND THAT I WAS SORRY I COULDN'T DRINK COFFEE WITH HIM.
BY NOW IT WAS 4:30 AND I WAS PLEADING WITH NIKOLCE. "PLEASE, LET'S GO. WE STILL HAVE TO PICK UP THE GUITAR." "WE HAVE LOTS OF TIME," HE REPLIED. "WE WILL DRINK THE COFFEE." MEANWHILE IGOR, WHO UNDERSTANDS ENGLISH, HAD THE CUPS PREPARED ON THE KITCHEN TABLE EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW NIKOLCE HAD TO DRIVE ME TO THE HOTEL. (DUH--IF I DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO DRINK THE COFFEE THEN NIKOLCE DOESN'T HAVE THE TIME.)
THEN IT HIT ME--IT WAS THE OLD MACEDONIAN BACKSTAB AND I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING. NOW I WAS FURIOUS AND DEMANDED THAT HE DRIVE ME TO THE HOTEL DRIM. “OK, I WILL STAND AND DRINK THE COFFEE,” WAS HIS “HELPFUL” REPLY. I RESPONDED, "I GIVE YOU MONEY FOR THE HOTEL! I WORK FOR FREE AT THE HOTEL! I BUY THE RAFTS FOR THE RIVER TRIP AND MAKE YOU FAMOUS ON TV! I ASK FOR NOTHING IN RETURN EXCEPT A RIDE TO THE HOTEL AND ALL I GET IS SABOTAGE!" "OK--YOU DRIVE YOURSELF!" WAS HIS REPLY. "NO WAY CAN I DRIVE THAT CAR! TAKE ME NOW!" MY ADRENALINE WAS FLOWING AND I WAS SCREAMING. THERE WAS NO DOUBT THAT I WAS GOING TO SMASH UP EVERYTHING IN THE ROOM.
MY RAGE GOT RESULTS. NIKOLCE DROVE THE MAGIC CAR ANGRY-FAST, GRINDING GEARS AND HITTING POTHOLES ALL THE TIME COMPLAINING, “I SPEND HOURS AND HOURS TRYING TO GET ON THE SHOW AND THEY DON’T HAVE MY BAND!” “I’M SORRY BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME,” I RESPONDED. WE PICKED UP THE GUITAR AT KIRE’S MARKET JUST AS DANIEL CALLED AGAIN. "WHERE ARE YOU!? YOU HAVE TO BE HERE NOW!" NIKOLCE STEPPED ON THE GAS AND SCREAMED THROUGH THE CENTER OF TOWN JUST NARROWLY MISSING OTHER VEHICLES. "GREAT, NOW HE'S GOING TO KILL ME," I THOUGHT. A FRANTIC DANIEL WAS WAITING WHEN WE SCREECHED TO A HALT AT THE HOTEL DRIM. "WHERE WERE YOU? KIRE WAS HERE LOOKING FOR YOU AT 4:30!" I TOLD HIM OF NIKOLCE’S SABOTAGE. DANIEL HAD NO COMMENT.
BY NOW IT WAS AFTER 5:00. WE RAN THROUGH THE BACK ENTRANCE TO THE STAGING AREA BY THE POOL. SENSING THE AUDIO MAN WAS ANNOYED, I PLUGGED IN AND WE HURRIED THROUGH A SOUND CHECK. THEN I SAT DOWN WITH DANIEL TO RELAX. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POOL I SAW THAT NIKOLCE WAS TALKING TO MR. BIG. I SUPPOSED THAT HE WAS GIVING HIM SOME GRIEF ABOUT HIS BAND NOT GETTING SELECTED FOR THE SHOW.
”TESTING--ONE, TWO”
THE PROGRAM STARTED AT 5:30. I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS BUT CONFIDENT THAT I WAS GOING TO GIVE MACEDONIA SOMETHING THEY WOULD REMEMBER. THE FIRST GUEST WAS AN AGING MACEDONIAN BEAUTY QUEEN THAT LOOKED BETTER THE FARTHER AWAY YOU GOT. SHE WAS “HELPING” KIRE AND THE WOMAN CO-HOST WITH A COOKING SEGMENT.
CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT
THE FIRST MUSICAL GUESTS WERE AN ACCORDION PLAYER AND VIOLINIST THAT DID A BLAZING NUMBER. I WAS SURPRISED SHE HAD THE EXACT MODEL OF ELECTRIC VIOLIN THAT I OWNED, RIGHT DOWN TO THE RED SPARKLE.
DYNAMIC DUO
THE LAST THIRD OF THE SHOW WAS APPROACHING SO I ASSUMED THEY WERE SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST. AT 6:30 THEY SHOWED THE RIVER ADVENTURE. MR. BIG, THE CAST, AND THE CREW GATHERED AND WATCHED ON A SMALL MONITOR. DANIEL AND I COULD ONLY HEAR WHAT WAS HAPPENING. IT STARTED WITH THE PRE-INTERVIEWS FOLLOWED BY THE SCENES ON THE RIVER ACCOMPANIED BY SOME HORRIBLE COMPUTER TECHNO-CRAP MUSIC. (DAMN IF I WASN’T ALSO SABOTAGED ON THAT!) THE CREW WAS LOVING IT AND WERE HIGH-FIVING EACH OTHER EVEN BEFORE THE SEGMENT WAS THROUGH. THEN CAME THE POST INTERVIEWS WITH GUITAR KIRE GETTING IN A LONG PLUG ABOUT THEIR BAND PLAYING AT THE BELGRADE HOTEL IN STRUGA.
GETTIN’ ANTSY
FIFTEEN MINUTES REMAINED IN THE SHOW. A SINGER WITH A BAD COMB-OVER AND A BEER GUT GOT UP ON STAGE AND LIP-SYNCED A SAPPY SERBIAN BALLAD. "GOOD ACT TO FOLLOW," I THOUGHT. THEN THEY SUMMONED THE ACCORDION PLAYER THAT PLAYED EARLIER IN THE SHOW. HE PLAYED A FURIOUS NUMBER THEN THEY INTERVIEWED HIM FOR THE LAST REMAINING MINUTES. THE SHOW WAS OVER. I WAS “BUMPED”! THE SABOTAGE WAS COMPLETE. I COULD ONLY SURMISE IT WAS BECAUSE I PISSED THEM OFF WHEN I WAS LATE.
I WENT OVER TO SPEAK TO MR. BIG. “I THOUGHT WE HAD A DEAL,” I SAID. HE HAD ONE OF THE PRODUCERS GIVE ME A COCK-AND-BULL STORY THAT AMOUNTED TO "COME BACK TOMORROW!" "I DON'T NEED THIS CRAP," I THOUGHT. I WAS STILL TRYING TO WRAP MY BRAIN AROUND WHAT HAD HAPPENED EARLIER WITH NIKOLCE. (IT OCCURRED TO ME LATER THAT I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE OFFERED KIRE SOME PAYOLA. AND I SHOULD MOST CERTAINLY HAVE GIVEN HIM A COPY OF MY CD.)
DANIEL AND I TOOK A TAXI TO MISLESEVO WHERE DOBRILLA HAD PREPARED A SPECIAL DINNER FOR “THE TELEVISION CELEBRITIES.” EVERYONE HAD ALREADY EATEN EXCEPT DANIEL AND I. WHILE WE WERE DINING DANIEL COMPLAINED THAT HE DIDN'T LIKE ANY OF THE FOOD. NOW CYNICAL, I BENT OVER AND LOOKED CLOSELY AT HIS POSTERIOR. "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" HE ASKED. "I'M LOOKING FOR THE HOOK IN YOUR ASS THAT IS ATTACHED TO THE CHAIR. THAT’S WHAT MUST BE KEEPING YOU FROM GOING OUT AND GETTING YOUR OWN FOOD." HE DIDN’T COMMENT. NIKOLCE WALKED IN AND SAID HE WAS EXCITED ABOUT THE RIVER SEGMENT. HE SAID NOTHING ABOUT ME GETTING BUMPED FROM THE SHOW. AT THAT MOMENT I DECIDED TO LEAVE MACEDONIA.
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