Terry's Big Adventures
River Rafter's Guide
(to Macedonia)
Chapter 9: Macedonia's Burning

I WANTED TO BUY SOME FURNITURE FOR MY ROOM AND CHECKED OUT THE STORES IN TOWN. PRICES WERE ABOUT TWICE AS MUCH AS IN THE U.S. FOR THE SAME CHINESE-MADE ITEMS. IT WAS CHEAPER TO GET FURNITURE CUSTOM-BUILT BY THE MAN WHO BUILT THE FIXTURES AND BEDS FOR THE HOTEL, ALEX THE BEDMAKER.

ALEX OWNS A BEAUTIFUL FOUR-STORY HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF STRUGA JUST OFF THE MAIN STREET NEXT TO THE CITY PARK. HIS REAL JOB IS WORKING FOR THE MACEDONIAN I.R.S. BUT HE OPERATES A COUPLE OF BUSINESSES ON THE SIDE. HE RENTS ROOMS TO TOURISTS ON THE TOP FLOOR OF HIS HOUSE AS WELL AS APARTMENTS ABOVE HIS GARAGE. MOST OF THE BOTTOM FLOOR OF HIS HOUSE IS A LARGE FURNITURE WORKSHOP WHERE HE HAS A PROFESSIONAL PLANER, ROUTER, TABLE SAW, BAND SAW, ETC. ALEX HAS THE MARKET CORNERED ON CUSTOM-MADE ITEMS SUCH AS BEDS, TABLES, BOOKCASES, ETC. HE DOES GOOD WORK AND HIS PRICES ARE REASONABLE. HE WAS USUALLY BEHIND SCHEDULE BUT MANAGED TO ACCOMMODATE ME TWICE. ONE WAS FOR A LONG COMPUTER TABLE FOR ABOUT $50 AND LATER HE BUILT A SMALL MATCHING UTILITY TABLE WITH SHELVES FOR $40.

ALEX IS SIX-FOOT-FOUR AND WEARS A LONG T-SHIRT OVER A SPEED0 MAKING HIM APPEAR AS IF HE WERE WEARING ONLY THE T-SHIRT. I COULD TELL THE FRIENDS OF HIS TEENAGE DAUGHTER WERE A LITTLE FREAKED OUT BY HIM. ALEX'S 16-YEAR-OLD-SON IVAN PLAYS KEYBOARD IN A HARD ROCK BAND AND HAS THE HAIR TO PROVE IT. WHENEVER NIKOLCE AND I WOULD COME TO THE WORKSHOP IVAN WAS SENT TO THE STORE TO BUY THE LARGEST BOTTLE OF SKOPSKO (THE FINEST BEER IN ALL OF MACEDONIA). THEN WE WOULD SIT IN THE GARDEN AND DRINK UNTIL IT WAS GONE. ALEX LIKED TO TALK POLITICS AND NIKOLCE WAS THE INTERPRETER. LIKE MANY MACEDONIANS HE WAS A LITTLE PISSED-OFF THAT THE U.S. WAS HELPING THE ALBANIANS. "THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE. WHAT CAN WE DO IN ANOTHER FIVE YEARS WHEN THEY HAVE TAKEN OVER?” "CONVERT," I SUGGESTED. ALEX OPINED, "BUT THAT WILL DO NO GOOD. THEY STILL FIGHT ONE ANOTHER." I DO NOT HAVE AN ANSWER FOR ALEX BUT I BELIEVE HE AND HIS FAMILY WILL PROSPER BECAUSE HE IS INDUSTRIOUS. (HE DID REMARK THAT HE WAS IMPROVING HIS LOT WHILE OTHER MACEDONIANS WERE WASTING THEIR TIME AT THE COFFEE CAFES.)

ON ONE OCCASION ALEX INVITED NIKOLCE, NICK, AND ME UPSTAIRS WHERE HE WANTED TO PLAY MUSIC WITH “THE AMERICAN”. AFTER POURING US A COUPLE SHOTS OF RAKIJA, THE POTENT NATIONAL DRINK, HE HANDED ME A BARELY PLAYABLE BEAT-UP GUITAR AND THEN PROCEEDED TO WAIL ON HIS CLARINET WHILE DANCING AROUND IN HIS SPEEDO. WHEN HE SAID "RUSSIA" I RECOGNIZED MIDNIGHT IN MOSCOW AND WAS ABLE TO ACCOMPANY HIM. WE WERE PRETTY BUZZED BY THE TIME HE SWITCHED TO THE HARMONICA. "SIMON AND GARFUNKLE" HE EXCLAIMED. I RECOGNIZED THE BOXER AND PLAYED ALONG. WHEN I STARTED SINGING THE LYRICS HE LOST INTEREST.

CAFES ARE THE HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL GATHERING IN MOST OF EUROPE AND COFFEE IS THE DRINK OF CHOICE. COFFEE IN MACEDONIA IS FAIRLY EXPENSIVE, AVERAGING ABOUT 90 CENTS PER TINY CUP. BUT NOBODY SEEMS TO CARE AS THIS HABIT SIPHONS OFF THE LITTLE SPENDING MONEY THEY HAVE. ALONG WITH CHEAP CIGARETTES (ABOUT $1 A PACK) THE AVERAGE MACEDONIAN PROBABLY SPENDS A THOUSAND DOLLARS PER YEAR IDLING HIS TIME AWAY, BULLSHITTING AND COMPLAINING THAT THEY DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY. WHILE ON THE ONE HAND THE COFFEE BARS PROMOTE SOCIALIZING AMONGST FRIENDS ON THE OTHER HAND IT PROMOTES IDLENESS AND SABOTAGES THE PRODUCTION OF MANY OF THE YOUNG MEN. THERE ARE OPPORTUNITIES IN THIS COUNTRY BUT LITTLE CREATIVITY OR SELF-MOTIVATION.

COFFEE SESSIONS WERE BORING NOT ONLY BECAUSE I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND THE CONVERSATIONS BUT ALSO BECAUSE I’M A RESTLESS ANAL-RETENTIVE AMERICAN WHO ALWAYS HAS TO BE DOING SOMETHING. HOWEVER, THIS SOCIAL SENSE-DEPRIVATION ALLOWED ME TO DEVELOP SKILLS OF READING BODY LANGUAGE, THE EYES, AND VOICE TONE AND DYNAMICS OF PEOPLE SPEAKING.

WHEN SOMEONE DIED THEIR DEATH NOTICE WOULD BE POSTED ON TELEPHONE POLES AND BULLETIN BOARDS. IT WOULD CONTAIN SOME VITAL STATISTICS, AGE, FUNERAL INFORMATION, CAUSE OF DEATH, AND WHETHER OR NOT THEY WERE WEARING CLEAN UNDERWEAR WHEN THEY SUCCUMBED. SURPRISINGLY NONE OF THEM DIED OF COFFEE OR CIGARETTES. ALCOHOL USUALLY GOT THEM FIRST.

ONE THING MACEDONIANS TAKE SERIOUSLY IS THEIR CELLPHONES. THEY NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT IT AND IF THEY FORGET IT OR MISPLACE IT THEY BECOME FRANTIC. THE CELLPHONE ENABLES THEM TO BULLSHIT WITH THEIR FRIENDS EVEN WHEN THEY’RE NOT DRINKING COFFEE. PINK T-MOBILE STORES SEEM TO BE ON EVERY CORNER OF TOWN AND I'M SURE THEY ARE MAKING A MINT. DANIEL GAVE ME AN OLDER UNUSED CELLPHONE THAT HE HAD. I SET UP A $12 ACCOUNT, MADE ONE CALL ON IT, THEN TURNED IT OFF FOR GOOD.

BACK AT THE HOTEL I COMPLETED THE DECOR OF MY ROOM BY HANGING SOME COLORFUL BEACH TOWELS I HAD BOUGHT FROM A STREET VENDOR IN STRUGA. ONE WAS GOOFY AND THE OTHER WAS SUPERMAN, REVEALING MY SPLIT PERSONALITY. MY NEW DESK MADE IT CONVENIENT TO SET UP THE MUSICAL EQUIPMENT AND I PRACTICED THROUGH HEADPHONES A FEW HOURS EACH DAY.

PETAR WOULD OCCASIONALLY COME OVER AND WORK AROUND THE OUTSIDE OF THE HOTEL WHICH WAS VERY UNKEMPT. HE CUT DOWN THE TALL GRASS WITH A SCYTHE AND WE BAILED IT UP TO USE AS FODDER FOR THE FAMILY GOAT. I MOVED PILES OF ROCKS TO THE FRONT OF THE HOTEL AND SHOWED PETER MY IDEA OF USING THEM TO LINE THE FLOWER BEDS HE AND DOBRILLA HAD CREATED ALONG THE PATHWAY FROM THE STREET. HE LIKED THE IDEA AND FINISHED THE ROCKERY HIMSELF. I MADE A TOPSOIL SIFTER FROM AN OLD SCREEN I FOUND AND SIFTED DIRT FOR THE BEDS. A NEIGHBOR HAD NEVER SEEN ANYONE SIFT TOPSOIL AND THOUGHT I WAS A PROFESSIONAL LANDSCAPER. I TOLD HIM I HAD TRAVELED FROM THE UNITED STATES JUST FOR THIS PROJECT.

THE NEXT WEEK WAS A PAID VACATION FOR NICK. HE AND SYLVIA CAME TO STAY AT THE FARM AND ENJOY THE LAKE, IN HIS SPARE TIME HE WAS GOING TO HELP ME FINISH SOME MORE SONGS. WHEN NICK WAS NOT WORKING WITH COMPUTER MUSIC HE WAS A PRETTY FUN GUY TO BE AROUND AND WE STARTED TO DEVELOP A FRIENDSHIP.

NICK WAS HIRED BY AN ALBANIAN IN A NEARBY VILLAGE TO HELP HIM TROUBLESHOOT SOME NEW SOFTWARE IN HIS RECORDING STUDIO AND HE INVITED ME TO GO WITH HIM. THE ALBANIAN FELLOW WHOSE NAME SOUNDED LIKE “RICK” PICKED US UP IN HIS AUDI STATION WAGON AND DROVE US AT 100 MPH TO HIS VILLAGE 12 KM WEST ON THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN. DURING THE WILD RIDE HE WAS PLAYIED THE RECORDING OF HIS BAND. IT SOUNDED VERY GOOD AND WAS SIMILAR TO THE ELECTRIFIED MACEDONIAN MUSIC THAT RHYTHM PLAYED. "RICK" OWNED SEVERAL CLOTHING STORES AND WAS PRETTY WELL OFF. NICK TOLD ME HE HAD JUST PURCHASED $100,000 WORTH OF INVENTORY BUT I FIGURED THIS WAS A TYPICAL BALKAN EXAGGERATION. WE MADE IT TO THE VILLAGE ALIVE BUT RICK FORGOT THE KEY TO THE STUDIO. NICK AND I OPTED TO WAIT FOR HIM IN THE VILLAGE AS HE WENT BACK FOR THE KEY. HE RETURNED WITHIN A HALF HOUR AND NICK WAS ABLE TO SOLVE THE SOFTWARE DIFFICULTIES FOR HIM. THEN IT WAS 100 mph BACK TO MISLESEVO.

THE NEXT DAY NIKOLCE, NICK, AND I WERE IN STRUGA TO RUN SOME ERRANDS. WE WERE JUST BEGINNING A COFFEE SESSION WHEN AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN CAME BY AND SAT DOWN. IT WAS NO SURPRISE THAT SHE WAS RELATED TO NIKOLCE IN SOME CONVOLUTED WAY AND HE CALLS HER "AUNTIE". NIKOLCE HAD ALWAYS MADE IT A POINT TO INTRODUCE ME TO ANYONE WE MET, HOWEVER, ON THIS OCCASION HE DID NOT INTRODUCE ME TO THIS WOMAN WHO SEEMED TO BE “CHECKING ME OUT". TURNS OUT "AUNTIE" WAS SINGLE AND THIS UN-INTRODUCTION WAS TYPICAL MACEDONIAN UN-COOPERATION. NIKOLCE AND NICK WERE INTERPRETING THE CONVERSATION AS IT PROGRESSED. SHE WAS HINTING AROUND ABOUT MEETING A RICH AMERICAN AND MOVING TO THE U.S. WE THEN ADVANCED THE NOTION INTO CREATING A MACEDONIAN BRIDE REGISTRATION. I WOULD LINE UP AMERICAN MEN TO TRAVEL TO MACEDONIA AND STAY AT THE FAMILY HOTEL. THERE THEY COULD MEET SINGLE WOMEN WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING TO GET OUT OF THIS DEAD-END COUNTRY. WE FINALLY DECIDED IT WOULD JUST BE MORE PRACTICAL TO TURN THE HOTEL INTO A BROTHEL AND “AUNTIE” COULD BE THE MADAM.

RHYTHM DID NOT HAVE A GIG THAT EVENING. INSTEAD NIKOLCE AND KIRE TOOK A JOB IN OHRID PLAYING AS A DUO. NIKOLCE HAD TO BORROW AN ADDITIONAL KEYBOARD FROM COUSIN ZORAN. HE LOADED UP THE EQUIPMENT AND DROVE THE 15 KM. TO OHRID. AS THEY WERE SETTING UP HE DISCOVERED ZORAN DID NOT INCLUDE THE POWER SUPPLY TO PLUG IT IN. NIKOLCE HAD TO TRAVEL ALL THE WAY BACK TO MISLESEVO TO RETRIEVE IT. I ASKED HIM IF ZORAN HAD INTENDED TO SABOTAGE HIM BECAUSE HE DID NOT GET TO PLAY WITH THEM. “YES,” NIKOLCE REPLIED.

THE NEXT DAY WAS PETAR’S BIRTHDAY. AT THE FARM PASTRIES WERE SET ON THE KITCHEN TABLE FOR ALL TO PARTAKE THROUGHOUT THE DAY, SORT OF AN OPEN HOUSE FOR ANYONE WHO WANTED TO DROP BY. LATER THAT AFTERNOON PETAR WAS SURPRISED WITH A CAKE ADORNED WITH SPARKLERS. GIFTS WERE GIVEN AND ROUNDS OF RAKIJA WERE POURED.

NIKOLCE MISSED THE FESTIVITIES BECAUSE RHYTHM HAD TO TRAVEL TO SKOPJE TO TAPE A TELEVISION SHOW. WHEN THEY HAD PLAYED THE FESTIVAL IN SKOPJE A FEW WEEKS EARLIER (ON THE NIGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO ARRIVE AT THE AIRPORT) THEY HAD PAID AN EXORBITANT ENTRY FEE WITH THE PROMISE OF AN APPEARANCE ON A DAYTIME VARIETY SHOW. THEY AIRED IT TWO DAYS LATER AND AGAIN AS A RERUN. I WAS ABLE TO SEE IT AT THE HOTEL AND I WAS GLAD FOR THEIR SUCCESS.

AFTER PETER’S BIRTHDAY PARTY DANIEL AND I WENT TO HANG OUT WITH HIS NGO BUDDIES AT THE HOTEL DRIM NEXT TO THE SWIMMING POOL. MOST OF THEM WERE EXPRESSING DISILLUSIONMENT WITH THEIR ASSIGNMENTS IN MACEDONIA. SEEMS THEY WEREN’T TAKING TO THE HARSHNESS OF THE COUNTRY AND WERE REALIZING IT TAKES MORE THAN A GROUP OF IDEALISTIC OUTSIDERS TO CHANGE HUNDREDS OF YEARS OF CULTURAL BEHAVIORS. MEANWHILE SONIA, KRISTINA, AND ANOTHER YOUNG WOMAN WERE HAVING A CONTEST TO SEE WHO COULD DOWN THE MOST SHOTS OF VODKA IN THE LEAST AMOUNT OF TIME. I MUST HAVE HAD A LOOK OF DISAPPROVAL ON MY FACE WHEN A DRUNKEN KRISTINA SUDDENLY BLURTED “YOU HATE ME!” I REPLIED, “HATE YOU? I HARDLY KNOW YOU! LET ME GET TO KNOW YOU FIRST, THEN I’LL HATE YOU.” (OK--I ACTUALLY THOUGHT OF THIS RETORT LATER, BUT I WISH I HAD SAID IT.) MY SITUATION HERE WAS KIND OF LIKE GOING BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW NOW. THEY ALL WERE UNDER THE IMPRESSION I WAS ONLY ABOUT TEN YEARS OLDER THAN THEM PROBABLY BECAUSE OF MY ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT AND BECAUSE AMERICANS AGE GRACEFULLY COMPARED TO EASTERN EUROPEANS. THEY WONDERED “WHAT THE HELL” AN AMERICAN WAS DOING IN MACEDONIA. “I CAME HERE TO BECOME A BIG ROCK STAR,” I REPLIED.

IT’S IMPRESSIVE HOW MANY YOUNG PEOPLE IN EUROPE ARE ABLE TO CARRY ON COMPLEX CONVERSATIONS IN TWO OR MORE LANGUAGES. ADAM, A FORMER NGO MEMBER FROM STRUGA, WAS NOW STUDYING LAW. HIS ENGLISH AND MANNERISMS WERE SO LIKE AN AMERICAN HE COULD HAVE FOOLED ANYONE. (MAYBE SOME DAY HE WILL BECOME A SPY.) THOMAS FROM DENMARK SEEMED EXCITED TO TALK TO AN AMERICAN. I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW THE SUBJECT CAME UP--OK OK, I STEERED IT IN THAT DIRECTION--HE WAS SURPRISED WHEN I TOLD HIM MOST AMERICANS OWNED GUNS. I TOLD HIM ABOUT THE N.R.A. AND EXPLAINED THAT THE SECOND AMENDMENT WAS FOR PROTECTION AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT. HE HAD A HARD TIME FATHOMING THAT AND SAID HE WAS GOING TO LOOK IT UP ON THE INTERNET.

THAT WEEK NICK AND I WERE ABLE TO FINISH TWENTY-FIVE MORE SONGS AT THE HOTEL BUT NOT BEFORE I HAD IT OUT WITH HIM. AT ONE POINT I HAD TO RAISE MY VOICE AND EXPLAIN THAT HIS ATTITUDE WAS UNPROFESSIONAL, THAT I WAS PAYING HIM VERY WELL FOR HIS SERVICES AND HE SHOULD ACCOMMODATE ME. MY FRANKNESS CAUGHT HIM OFF GUARD AND HE NOW TURNED FROM ARROGANCE TO PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE WHICH WAS A LITTLE EASIER TO DEAL WITH. DANIEL WAS THERE AND LATER I EXPLAINED TO HIM THAT IN THE U.S. PEOPLE ARE LIKELY TO COOPERATE IN A PROJECT, ESPECIALLY IF MONEY IS INVOLVED. AND IF THERE WAS NO COOPERATION I WOULD JUST GO TO SOMEONE ELSE WITH MY BUSINESS. HE UNDERSTOOD.